Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Onwards & upwards

In case you didn't know, there have been some changes in my life in recent times. New York is my home now. I bid adieu to Toronto and all the lovely people I met there a few months ago. New city brings new people but I'm still in that phase where I refuse to put my guard down. I'm sure I'll make new friends in due course but at the moment I don't mind all the solitude I can get. Five years ago I'd have laughed if anyone had said I'd end up liking Toronto as much as my home town Madras. But Toronto sure found its way to my heart.  :-)

I don't know if it's case of home-sickness but I have been reflecting on my days in Toronto a lot lately. I did so today as well on my way home. But today it was different. Today it was like going over pages of a scrap book, one at a time, giving them wistful looks and putting it away. No longer a burden I'd have to cling to anymore. It was time to let go.

My time in Toronto was like a roller coaster ride. It soared me to dizzying highs & plummeted me to nauseating lows. I sure had my moments - heck, many moments - but they were all teasingly sporadic and always ephemeral. Remember The Rolling Stone's song Angie?  All the dreams we held so close, seem to all go up in smokes. Only it didn't seem like it - it sure did. All of a sudden. With no warning or alert. Bam!

I find it ridiculous when people say things happen for a reason. My ass! Though it seems ridiculous to think any reason could justify it, I spent many a sleepless nights obsessing over it. I wanted to get to the bottom of all the whys and whats crammed in my head. What a fool! Things don't happen for a reason.  Things just happen. Some you have control over & some you don't. The best you can do at all situations is roll with the punches. Nothing less, nothing more. And let time work its magic.

Cold February wind blowing across Hudson river notwithstanding, I decided not to take the subway train & walk home instead. I wanted to be alone today, alone with my thoughts. With a favorite song running in loop, I put on my headset and ambled on. I wanted to savor the moment alone than finding myself in the midst of hundreds of commuters. I felt genuinely happy. Again.