Tuesday, May 31, 2011

tweet-o-post: All in an evening!

God! This maven exception is eating my brain. Why do these people use such esoteric softwares? I have never worked with any build tools and now it shows!

It takes me a day just to understand what I’m supposed to do. Reporting directly to clients doesn’t help. I have no choice but to stay back and complete the work, unless a King Cobra slithers in and gives me a sting to relieve me of this trouble called work.

Everyone around is packing up and leaving for the day. Yeah, rub it in guys! I needed that a lot!

Here he comes! 6 o’clock on the dot. He expects delivery on time but a new seat request raised a month ago, which shouldn’t take more than 2 weeks, is still being processed. So much for his perfection!

A client who has a sound technical knowledge is a pain in the ass.

Nothing boosts the productivity like last minute panic. Calvin is so right!

System almost always hangs when I am hard-pressed for time.

What wouldn’t I give to get out of this hell-hole? Every second seems like an hour and a simple math tells me that I have 60*60*4 hours to go for the day. Amazing!

Now people look askance at me. They probably think I have lost it! They don’t realize that a homo-sapien with a deadline looming large is bound to talk aloud… to himself.

Another mail asking for updates. I spend more time updating what I have done than I actually do something.

Epiphany! Now I’m know why my enthusiasm is at an all time low. I am a part of an all-men team. Is my manager a male chauvinist? I dare say he is a sadist.

It’s 7pm and I have not completed even 10 percent of my work. Heaven help me!

Desperately hoping for a miracle. It happened once. Will it happen again?

I didn’t know I could type so fast keeping the spelling mistakes to a minimum. Perhaps I was never in so much hurry ever before.

It’s good to communicate with clients through emails. If I had stood in front of him, he would have spat on my face for asking that silly question. I have asked him so many questions that he might as well have done it himself. That would teach him not to delegate any work to me. ;)

I reserve a special hatred for people who talk so loud on phone. Why do they need a phone in the first place?

Must. tone. down. my. sarcasam.

Gee! I just noticed that my client’s first name is an anagram of his last name. How’s that for a coincidence? Or is it?

My manager just said on the phone that he gets no “satisfication”. Thanks boss! I needed that stress buster. :)

Why do people say “No problem” for thank you. What happened to the good old ‘welcome’? Gone out of fashion?

I had no coffee in the last three hours. That’s a record of sorts.

Close to five years in an IT industry and I still don’t understand the meaning of this cryptic and mysterious expression - “paradigm shift”. But if someone donated me a rupee everytime I heard this expression, I’d have become a crore-pati by now.

Comfortably numb!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The question of answer

1) You wake up late yet again. You don’t want to be late for work as you have an important call in the morning. You get ready in record time. You are about hit the road when you encounter the kizhathu mami (ground floor mami) and she greets you with a question: office-ku poriya pa? (Are you going to office?). You curb your impulse to say “illa, central station la sonpapdi vikka poraen. (No, I’m going to central station to sell sonpapdis)” and instead mumble a gentle ‘yes’ in reply.

2) You signal a share auto to pull over. The driver asks, “Enna sir share auto va?” You come within an ace of saying, “No, I wanted to know how you are dealing with fuel price hike,” but you don’t because you don’t have the nerve to mess with an auto-driver. You get into the auto that is already loaded with more people than the population of Australia and brood over cowardice and population until a hot chick hops in the next stop.

3) You are waiting in cafeteria for a seat with your lunch plate/box. You look around desperately for a seat and find one of your acquaintances gorging on thayir sadham contentedly. You give a wry smile that’s tantamount to saying “You’ve had enough. Now get your posterior off that seat”. But that’s obviously lost on your acquaintance who says “enna ennum sapadaliya? (Not had lunch yet?)” with a pleasant smile.

4) It’s 9pm. You are breaking your head with an issue but cracking it seems harder than comprehending Arundathi Roy’s essay. You are on the verge on turning mad when you get a message in OC: machi, still in office? :|

No points for guessing what’s common to all these situations: dumb questions. Questions to which they already know the answer but that doesn’t deter them from asking. Questions that make you wish you didn’t live in a civilization so that you could spear everyone who asks such questions and throw them to crows.:P Questions that make you want to adorn them with hot tar. :P

Someone said one can judge a man by the question he asks. I am not sure if he/she is still alive but if he is I’m sure going to whack him over the head with a blunt instrument because what he said was one hundred percent untrue. Everytime you think you have a measure of how much dumb a person is, they make you to reassess by throwing an incredibly dumb question at you. Some people never cease to amaze me with their interminable array of dumb questions.

The day after a haircut is the most dreaded day in a guy’s life. There are people who think their soul won’t rest in peace if they did not ask in their lifetime at least fifty people “You had a haircut?” with a surprised look that one has when peeping into guy-next-cubicle’s payslip. :P But there is consolation here. This question being not uncommon, one can put to use the time one is at the mercy of barber, pondering over a variety of funny replies to this question. I always have a dozen answers in stock for that question and choose any one based on age/gender/designation of the questioner. ;)

One day I was returning home from office by train hanging on foot-board as usual. I boarded the train at Sanatorium station. The train came to a halt in Chrompet and I got off to make way for others. As I stood waiting for the train to start, a young man who wanted to board the train walked up to me and asked me a question that I felt pummeling him to a pulp: ”sir, is this ladies compartment?” How could an educated guy -well, he looked like one - who spoke in English not deduce that a decent guy - I look like one at least - wouldn’t get into a ladies compartment? Now, what’s the name of the bloke who said ‘there is no such thing as silly questions.’ If you ever run into him, tell him from me that he is a cuckoo.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Rants of a dormant reader

So many books to read. More than fifteen days have passed since I started Sea of Poppies but I’m still on page 15. There is unfinished Papillon. And a Bill Bryson’s book, which I enjoyed so much that I don’t want to finish. I read two or three books parallely. And I almost always read P.G.Wodehouse. This might give you an impression that I am a voracious reader, but sadly the only activity of mine to which I would attach the word ‘voracious’ is eating. My reading interest can be best described by Sine Wave. Alternative cycles of peaking and hitting the nadir.

It’s the latter part of the cycle that I’m going through now, which was preceded by a spell of intensive reading during which period I finished seven books in a span of thirty days. By the standards of a few avid readers on ch1 this may not be a big deal, but to me, whose previous best achievement was reading an entire copy of kumudham at one go while waiting in a saloon, this is quite an achievement.

A change in my work timing has contributed to dampen my spirits. My day starts at eleven in the morning and I turn in so late that by the time I reach home IPL match is almost over. That doesn’t mean that I do not read because of my hectic work(hic hic!). On the contrary, I mostly read a lot on days that were packed with work. And on days when my important task was deleting the forwarded mails, I reach home too exhausted to lift an eyebrow, let alone a book.

It doesn’t help to have a bunch of clowns for rommies who think reading is a waste of time and whose idea of a good book is one that has a skimpily clad women on cover (that’s an exaggeration!) and has a storyline that, if adopted into a movie, Mallika Sherawat and Moncia Belluci can do full justice to. Not that I would shy away from such books, but my literary preferences aren’t restricted to such books. It would be an exaggeration to say that they stand in my way. They go about their business of watching movies and I go about my business of reading, only that I will have to switch off the light and read.

Sometimes I flirt with the idea of waking up early to read, knowing fully well that I can’t rise early to save my life. I set the alarm clock for 6am before turning in for the night and this is what generally happens:

6:00 am: The alarm goes off.

6:03 am: Roomie 1 wakes up. Kicks me in the ass. I don’t budge.

6:04 am: I realize there is some commotion going on.

6:04:02 am: Alarm goes on snooze mode.

6:09:02 am: Alarm goes off again.

6:10 am: Rommie 2’s sleep is disturbed. Hurls invectitudes at me.

6:11 am: I begin to wonder if there was any important work to be done.

6:11:03 am: Alarm goes on snooze mode again.

6:16:03 am: Alarm goes off again.

6:17 am: Roomie 3 wakes up and switches off the alarm.

9:30 am: Good morning. :D